Up, over and out

Wishing you all a very happy (though belated) new year!

Although the very start of 2011 got off to a somewhat dramatic start (staying with friends on New Years's Eve, we overdid the raw garlic in the Baba Ganoush which then passed through my milk to Benjamin who proceeded to be violently sick through the night!), I'm pleased to report that since then, things have been good. Actually, they've been better than good, they've been great. For a start, I've been sleeping for a couple of months now (don't know why, don't care, just want to enjoy it). I also took a  mini-break to Bordeaux last week with Benjamin to visit some wonderful friends I lived with in Spain in 2002 and hadn't seen in a long time. Although the nights were very disturbed (Benjo's definitely a home boy!), I cannot express how good it was to be there, exploring a new place with old friends. This Spanish word doesn't translate too well, but the best word to describe my few days in Bordeaux was 'fuerte', roughly meaning intense. Suffice it to say that it was a small injection of spice and adventure into my veins and I needed that.

I've felt over the past couple of months something shifting inside me. Is it a delayed reaction to the mindfulness techniques I learnt with Guy Meadows at the Insomnia Clinic, which I continue to practice? I'd like to add that I'm not naive enough to think that just because I'm going through a good period, my insomnia will not return. Nor do I think that it necessarily will either. I know that the spectre of my insomnia will sit on my shoulder for many years to come, whether imagined or realised. But when I said that something is shifting inside me, what I mean is that I'm reclaiming a part of myself that has never left, but has been deeply buried for some time, and that is firstly, that I am a social being (honestly, I've forgotten this far too frequently!) and secondly, I have the opportunity to be creative.

I've started seeing a psychosynthesis counsellor (more of that later) and she asked me during my first session what two of the most important things in my life are. I didn't have to think for too long...I said my family, and what I mentioned before: the opportunity to be creative. And by this I mean that I  need to indulge in what drives me, and that is to write. My Women's Writing Wheel project, although far from perfect or completed (I'm currently testing it out with 10 guinea pigs), was in my head for a long time before it metamorphosed onto the screen, and to now see it up there, and to see stories appear before my eyes, is incredibly exciting for me. I feel like a teenager, besotted with a first boyfriend who wants to sneak constant glances at her mobile phone to see if any texts have come in: this is me, stealing moments on the laptop to see if any new stories have come in. Take a sneaky peak here to have a look at Women's Writing Wheel. The associated blog I've also started, Mother Writes, is generally all geeky stuff to do with creative writing and books but if you're interested in seeing it, please let me know and I can send an invitation for you to view it.

Back to the psychosynthesis...I'd never heard of this form of counselling before it was recommended by some friends. Essentially, it deals with harmonising all elements of our personalities and psyche through greater self-knowledge. Many methods are used including creative visualisation, free drawing, writing and meditation - so basically, my kind of thing. At the moment, we're doing some guided meditation and visualisation exercises, not to dig out and expel my insomnia (I'm done with that), but to gently explore my sub-personalities and sit beside the part of me that can't sleep. Sometimes it feels a little strange to be going when I really am fine at the moment, but then I think that actually it's good to be seeking support from this place of positivity, rather than a place of angst and desperation, which I've visited many, many times over the past 5 years. I'm going to do six weeks with the counsellor and see how I feel after that.

As for new year's resolutions, both Andy and I have decided that we'll do yoga at least once a week. I'd love to do it every day but I need to be realistic and accept this is highly unlikely! It's been a long time I've really done yoga and I cannot adequately express how it makes me feel: I am opening upwards and outwards and finding a rhythm and flow from a place deep within me. It is utterly absorbing and liberating. I also love the ritual I create around yoga. The right smell (incense) and the right sound (there are many sounds that work for me, but right now, I'm in love with the Indian flute music of Ronu Majumdar.)

No doubt I will be back at some stage to report how me and my sleep are getting one, but for now at least, I've decided to stop writing this blog in order to concentrate on Women's Writing Wheel and my other blog. So I'm going to leave you with the beautiful sound of Ronu Majumdar. Click here to listen.

Lots of love and light to you all,
Rebecca
x

Thoughts written in the snow

Andy returned from Madagascar this morning - landing, thankfully, before the weather closed in and it began to snow like it would never stop.

This past week has been truly exausting but truly amazing in that (for whatever reason) I have been sleeping. I have done all kinds of things I would not normally contemplate in sleep-deprived zone...like help out at Maya's end of term party, and bundle up the kids in the cold dark night to take them out to join the Father Christmas and carol singing parade, and go out for drinks with the parents' from Maya's class. Oh, to feel like a normal person.

The funny thing is that, each night when I get into bed, a little voice persists in whispering to me You might not sleep tonight, wouldn't that be awful?  But somehow, this hasn't stopped me from sleeping, although I'd imagined it might. Is it something to do with the fact that I'm aware of this voice, rather than reacting to it? I know it's there, and probably will be for years to come, but I'm not trying to push this voice away, because I think that could send me into a panic. Honestly, I don't know if it is this, I'm just thinking (or writing!) out loud. This has been going on for long enough now for me to know that my insomnia could creep up on me again unawares anytime.

If it keeps snowing like this, perhaps we won't be able to leave the house till after Christmas, and we shall stay in our little house and I will eat and dream and sleep.

Taking what's offered

 

'Acceptance does not mean putting up with or resigning yourself to anything. Acceptance is about embracing life, not merely tolerating it. Acceptance literally means "taking what is offered." It doesn't mean giving up or admitting defeat; it doesn't mean just gritting your teeth and bearing it. It means fully opening yourself to your present reality - acknowledging how it is, right here and now, and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in this moment.'

From 'The Happiness Trap' by Russ Harris.

I find it really difficult explaining to people why I don't want to 'try' more things in the attempt to cure my insomnia. I know it can come across as being defeatist, but I've never felt this to be the case and I think Russ Harris articulates the driving force of 'acceptance' pretty well.

For some unknown reason, I've slept pretty well this past week. Ok, so it may have helped having Andy back...and it may have helped that all three of my children are now chicken pox free...but it is, I know, most definitely not that simple. There have been nights when I am disturbed on the hour every hour by one of the kids but still manage to drop back off and thus feel sufficiently well rested in the morning and, on the flipside, long peaceful nights where I've not heard so much as a whisper of wind but can still lie there, quite literally all night long without dropping off. 

This is where I am at. I don't get it. Perhaps I'll never get it, but what I do know is that it's easy to be lulled into a false sense of security after a decent week, that perhaps the bad times really aren't  that bad and actually, I' m coping fine. But this is not the case - my insomnia continues to hover at my shoulder like a dark angel. So I've come to a big decision  (at least, it feels like a big decision for me) and that is that in the new year I'm going to start having counselling so I can 'offload' on a weekly basis. But isn't this just adding to my long list of therapies and things I've 'tried' over the years to feel better? Well no, I don't believe it is. Because I'm not going in the hope or the belief that this will cure me of my insomnia; I'm going because I want to talk about how I'm coping (or not coping) with having to deal with insomnia in my life.

And now that I've made this decision, it really feels like the right one. I think I was very resistant to it for some time. Perhaps there was a part of me that felt that if I had acupuncture, or Chinese medicine, or homeopathy, or hypnotherapy (you name it, I've had it!) I was being pro-active, but by seeing a counsellor, I'd 'given up' in a way. But now I don't feel like that at all. I feel very positive and accepting of my decision. And in 'taking what is offered' in the form of insomnia, I refuse to fight it anymore. This is my pledge for 2011: to offer my insomnia to pull a chair up and take a seat beside me. Sound strange? Well, let's see what happens.

Distance

I often seem to end up writing my blogs on thursdays. There is a good reason for this: little one #1 is at school, little one #2 is at toddler group with her granny and, right now, little one #3 is asleep, the worst of his chicken pox thankfully over. So I am sitting here alone at half past ten, still in my dressing gown, drinking my coffee and listening to Ayub Ogada whilst the snow drifts quietly past the window. It is very peaceful and ah, these moments are gold dust.

I've been all over the place this past week, what with Andy still away and an uncomfortable, itchy baby up in the night and his sisters' waking quite a bit too (cold feet / duvet fallen off / nightmares / runny noses). I keep missing deadlines for things Maya is meant to be giving in or doing at school and feeling a shudder of guilt about it. But I must remember - the little lady is only four years old, at the very start of her educational journey, and if she misses the odd drawing competition, it is OK.

Now, on another note, I have a confession to make: I own enough self-help books to sink a battleship. (I suppose part of the thinking in the past has been that, if this book does what it says on the tin, I'll only be spending £6.99 to help with my insomnia, rather than the huge amounts paid for various therapies). They claim they will make the reader more confident, more positive, or that within its pages lies the secret for chasing away childhood ghosts. Rather hilariously, none of them have worked. At least, not for me. So perhaps it's pure folly to be diving into another one, but I am. It's called 'The Happiness Trap' and is by a man called Russ Harris. I'm not going to go into it now, because I could be sitting here tippity-tap-typing away my gold dust moment....But he has some interesting things to say about these stories that go around in our heads that we call 'thoughts'.

Now I know I've talked about thoughts in the past and the hold they can have over us. Harris asks the reader to prefix negative thoughts that pop into your head with the words 'I'm having the thought that....' I've been really trying to make a go of this over the past few days, to see what happens. The idea, obviously, is to distance oneself from the thought so that ultimately, recurring negative thoughts can release their hold on you. It's been an interesting exercise and I can see that the same thoughts do come up again and again and again. For example, instead of simply allowing the thoughts 'I am a wreck' to plough through my head, it now reads as 'I'm having the thought that I'm a wreck.' If I keep doing this, I might just start allowing myself to believe this isn't necessarily the truth. And even if it is the truth, it's not a thought that helps me in any way.

The great thing is that after just a couple of days of doing this properly, I can already note a change. Yesterday, as I was walking to pick Maya up from school, I mused how awful I was feeling yet again. I then prefixed my thought with the necessary words and instantly felt better. It was bizarre. I even started chuckling, just because I knew that I had heard this story so, so many times before and it was all a bit silly (yes, I am that mad looking woman who walks through the park laughing to herself).

I'll keep you updated on how I get on with Mr Harris and his Happiness Trap and the madwoman's response to it ;)

Oh frabjous day

Boy, was I down when I wrote that last blog. Though I imagine you noticed that. Things have been really been tough recently and I've felt pretty desperate at times. I'm pleased to report, however, that I feel better today and I can cast a little objectivity on all of this.

Sometimes, I know I'm not getting anywhere at with this. I'm not 'winning'. And okay, it's not a battle, but that's what it can feel like. But I'm battling against a faceless, shapeless foe. And that's a dislocating, isolating sensation. So I think that today, with this wonderful feeling of energy I have inside me, to ask myself what GOOD has come from my insomnia; what it has taught me and how it has helped me to grow. So, here goes.....

#1 CARPE DIEM

I am the queen of Carpe Diem (Seize the day). Years ago, as a teenager, I watched the movie Dead Poet's Society and  first really heard that term and thought it was an amazing concept. But I never imagined how I would one day apply to it to my own life with such intensity. I really do see a world in a grain of sand. I create all kinds of mini-adventures for myself and my family for I am at heart, after all, an adventuress.

#2 RECEIVING

For years, I've loved doing voluntary work, whether it's teaching english, helping with disabled people or helping with a cause I perceive to be worthy. It's always been an important part of my existence. I'm not trying to sound all virtuous, it's just something I've found enjoyable and enriching over the years. But how does this relate to what I'm talking about? Because, now the shoe is on the other foot. I am the recipient of somebody giving freely of their time.  Once a week, a lovely lady called Diana from Homestart charity, has started to come over for a couple of hours to help me out. And it really is brilliant. I never imagined this would happen to me at this point in my life, but I'm not too proud now to to admit that I'm struggling and need help. Admittedly it took a while to get used to this idea, but the point is that we never know what life is going to throw at us.

#3 EMOTIONS

We live in a society in which the messages we receive, right from the earliest age, is that it's not okay to be emotional. We have to keep a handle on our emotions. Children are told 'not to cry' or to 'be brave' or 'not to worry' etc etc. But subliminally what these messages are saying are 'Don't have emotions.' On top of that, we are British. Stiff upper lip and all that. Bollocks to all that, I think now. Suppressing emotions is, in the long term, hugely damaging. And now, as a mother, I want my children to be able to feel their emotions, to live them. I don't care if this sounds like wishy washy American crap.

I know I've been going on about this quite alot in my blog recently, but I really do feel that it's OK to feel low, it's OK to feel desperate and depressed at times and it's OK to cry, in fact it's necessary. This is called being human, experiencing a full range of human emotions. Where it's not OK is when this starts to impact on the wellbeing of my family, and admittedly there have been times I've questioned this (case in point: about a month ago I apologised to Maya for being grumpy all day, to which she replied: Is it because I do things wrong? This was not a good moment for me.) The good news however is that I feel like my children are in touch with their emotions. They see their mummy being sad and I gently explain to them why this is the case but that I will be just fine and it's not something they need to worry about. Children trust and although at times I feel horribly guilty about what I put my kids through as a result of my insomnia, if I'm being honest I know that they are happy, rounded and emotionally intelligent little lovelies.



The good thing is that now that I've started it, I know that this list could go on. But time prevents me from doing this. So let's just leave it here and say Oh frabjous day, calloo, callay (taken from one of my favourite poems, the Jabberwock). Oh, and Carpe Diem of course.

The colour of blue

I have a folder of music called 'Tunes to dance the blues away', which I really need today, because today is the colour of blue. I am listening to a track called Twelth Street Rag by Pee Wee Hunt which is everything my mood is not. But that's why I need to listen to it. I'm sitting here at the table with Maya and Lily, and in between typing a few words I am helping Maya colour in a picture of a ballerina. I am struck, as I so often am, how amazing these girls are. I know all parents think their children are amazing, but we're allowed to, aren't we. I feel that they put up with so, so much from me and sometimes it breaks my heart. 

The other day, Maya sensed I was low. I saw her looking at me and really thinking. And then she said something that blew me away. She said 'It's hard looking after three children on your own, isn't it?' I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. When did my four year old become such a wise little soul?

Today I just can't shake it off, this feeling of heavy-heartedness that has me in its grips. I feel like I'm scrabbling around, my arms flailing about, searching for even a small part of myself. But I can't find me anywhere. I feel like I despately miss my children and husband, because I'm not really with them. But what's the answer? Keep believing that I'm there somewhere. And keep being amazed and inspired by my children.

My pledge

I received my blood test results and it turns out that I'm no longer deficient in Vitamin B12 - in fact, everything looks as healthy as can be in that department. I ought to be pleased, shouldn't I? But well....hmm...you know. Ah, if life could be so simple and a few vitamin injections could restore my sleep....

I also discussed today with the GP the possibility of post-natal depression causing insomnia as opposed to insomnia causing my mood swings (now I really feel like I'm airing my dirty laundry in public but hey, I suppose that started long ago anyway, when I began this blog) because this has come up a few times recently with a few people. Anyway, we discussed this at length (honestly, I've never come across a GP before who was so willing to just talk). I know it is just one opinion, but he felt confident that I am not suffering from PND. He said that the fact I am routinely fine and happy on days when I have slept well would work against this as PND sufferers would experience mood swings whether they have slept or not. But he did feel (as I often have done) that since I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for over five years, my hormones are probably all over the place and it's quite possible this could be affecting my sleep. That, combined with the fact I have, over the years, created poor sleep habits for myself which have built up over time. So, there you have it - my diagnosis. Isn't that what I always wanted?

So, what's the answer? Well, one answer is to jolly well not have any more children! It's insane - although Benjamin is less than four months old, there is a small, maternal voice in me that whispers from time to time Go on, you can have one more, just one more little one....but then rational-me turns to maternal-me and says Oh give it a rest and give yourself and your body a bloody break Becks!  Funny that,but I'm sure I'm not the only woman that goes through these thought patterns that work something along the lines that whilst I am able to produce children, I ought to do it! But, right, I'm going to type this down now and put it in writing...I always say 'never say never' but I think, in light of what I've been through in the past five years, that I need to make a pledge (and it breaks maternal-me's heart, but she'll get over it, particularly as she already has the most delectable three little nuggets ever...)

And here is my pledge:

NO MORE CHILDREN!